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A new friend came over for lunch yesterday. While he was helping prep the salad he very thoughtfully took a moment to ask me a few questions about myself. What interested me? What did I want to do now Foos is in school? All I could say is “I don’t know,” over and over. How could I not know? Do I not inhabit this body, this brain? Reflecting after the visit, my apparent inability to articulate my own aspirations and desires left me feeling stupid, silly even. Here was this beautifully eloquent person, making such simple inquiries, and all I did was stammer nonsense. Quite possibly in an effort to not commit to anything, to not be firm. Because firmness, in a weird way, demands action. Waffling on the other hand, the not deciding, can go on forever. Then later on in the day, my neighbor came home from work as I was in the yard waiting for the dog to poop. He sat on the stoop next to me, wearing his business clothes, clean and purposeful. I sat there greasy faced, my hair a nest of frizz, my clothes a glossary of stains for every activity performed that day. I felt embarrassed; I wanted to excuse my appearance, the strain in my voice, the smell on my person. I made the requisite small talk all while shrinking further into myself, wishing to disappear. I am currently experiencing a crisis of confidence, my friends. And that’s okay. I am pretty sure this happens to most people at least once. I just need to trust that like everything else, it will pass, and things will be fine.

ROSAFINAL

Photo: Seth

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